How My Friendships Have Changed Since My RA Diagnosis — Both Online and Offline

It’s hard for people to contemplate something they may never experience. It can leave some friendships falling to the wayside. But it can also lead to new bonds and friendships being found.

Rheumatoid arthritis (RA) can affect every aspect of your life.

When I was diagnosed in my teens, doctors seemed to mostly focus on my physical well-being. I don’t blame them for this, as RA is a serious condition that needs to be treated quickly.

But nobody discussed how it could potentially impede my social life and friendships.

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Fast and unforeseen changes

During my teens and 20s, my friends always got together. Suddenly, I went from being up for anything to then canceling plans and being seen as an unreliable flake.

I wanted to say yes and join any activity in a heartbeat, but RA had other plans.

I wasn’t able to eat at our favorite restaurant anymore because they didn’t offer allergen-friendly options for my new diet. And I couldn’t always go for a walk because my knee was too inflamed or painful to even manage a few steps.

Diet changes, not being able to play sports, financial burdens, and unrelenting symptoms such as fatigue started causing issues with friends who didn’t get how invasive RA was.

Sometimes, friends didn’t understand what I was going through. At times, I was just as confused as they were, if not more, about what was happening to me. Other times, they would understand, be empathetic, and lend a listening ear but then become impatient when I didn’t get better.

Lessons learned the hard way

I learned that when you start to change for reasons people may not fully understand, you can start to be an inconvenience.

When I had a flare and lost a considerable amount of weight, my friends were concerned to the point of thinking I had an eating disorder or that I wasn’t looking after myself. In hindsight, I know they were trying to help, but at the time, they couldn’t comprehend that I had very little control over this situation, as the medications I was taking impacted my weight.

Another time, I couldn’t afford to do multiple social activities when my disability benefits were cut, which led to friends questioning how I could afford other things. It started to become uncomfortable and intrusive to the point where I had no choice but to cut ties.

Things started to really shift gears for me when RA reared its ugly head, and I experienced one of the worst flares of my life. It was so bad that it took me 6 months to recover from it.

I had even more limitations, and “I can’t do that right now” was common vocabulary.

Finding online friends

In came online friends. I feel they truly saved me during this time. They became my calm in the storm when my health took a turn for the worse, along with my career and finances.

Now, that may sound dramatic to some, but having people in your corner is crucial as you go through the ups and downs in life. Good friendships can enrich your life and improve your health.

When issues occurred with some friends I’d known for a long time, I noticed I felt worse physically. I was more stressed and anxious and was flaring more. Of course, we shouldn’t let people have that much power over us, but it was jarring to have negative experiences with childhood friends I’d known for decades.

Most of my online friends I’ve met because they also live with arthritis, chronic illness, or disability. Some others are from shared passions, such as writing.

As I started to connect with people on social media, I felt as if I’d found parts of my soul tribe. Not only did they get what I was going through, but I also never felt judged, alone, or like an inconvenience.

The value of different types of friendships

Eventually, I was fortunate enough to connect with these new online friends at in-person conferences. My online friends have become offline friends whom I feel like I’ve known forever.

The drawback of friendships formed online is that they might live halfway across the world, and you can’t always see them as often as friends who live near you. But as I’ve gotten older, I don’t even see my childhood friends as often as I used to because they either don’t live near me anymore or are busy raising kids and whatnot.

Some of my childhood friends started experiencing health issues and came to me for advice. They now faced some similar concerns I’d been dealing with since my teens and could see my perspective from a lens they weren’t able to fully understand before.

Some of my friendships that initially developed online also evolved as many of them wanted a break from advocacy. They no longer wanted to make illness a main character in their story. Those friends inspired me to do the same. I try not to dwell on what happened to me in the past and fully embrace the present moment.

The main thread that has connected both my offline and online friendships is vulnerability and authenticity. It’s when you can truly be yourself around someone and feel seen, heard, and validated. That’s how things begin to change and evolve in a more positive direction.

The friendships that crossed certain boundaries or could no longer accept me faded to the wayside.

Finding forgiveness and setting boundaries with friendships

Some friendships are worth fighting for, and some aren’t. I’m not saying to go burn bridges and make enemies, but rather to set boundaries for yourself.

The friendships in my past that didn’t work out are still valuable to me. They taught me lessons and helped me grow into a better version of myself. They also taught me how to be a better friend and acknowledge truths about my own actions.

Holding onto anger and resentment helps nobody. It makes RA and life in general worse.

Branching out and modifying

Once I started uncovering my passions and purpose in life, friendships flowed in and became easier. So, my best advice is to attend meetups in your local city with like-minded individuals. Join forums, message boards, and Facebook groups to connect with those who are going through similar experiences or have similar interests.

If you’re interested in advocacy and conferences, search for ways to get involved in a good cause. People who are on your wavelength can become newfound friends.

As with any relationship, it can be hard and scary to start over. Putting yourself out there to meet and connect with new people requires courage.

Not everyone will be your cup of tea, nor will you be theirs, but when you find those who are willing to see you through every season of your life, it’s worth the effort.

If you have childhood friends who have always had your back, bring them along to events with you and deepen your bond. Also, doing things together that you previously enjoyed in a modified way can help friendships flourish.

The takeaway: How RA impacted my friendships

Even if I’d been able to predict the difficult changes I would encounter in my social life, I’ve come to realize that they were necessary lessons — even if they were hard lessons.

Ironically, RA helped to vet those who didn’t have my best interests at heart or who were no longer compatible with my values and life.

This can happen to anyone regardless of illness. But when RA tags along with you everywhere you go — and in my case, during a time when my social life was in its prime — it can be a lonely road to navigate without support and understanding.

For me, it was branching out to find a community of like-minded people that led to positive shifts in all my friendships — both online and offline. It taught me what was important, how to be a good friend, and how to feel seen and loved in ways I deserved.